Trust & Surrender
“He will be your constant source of stability in changing times, and out of his abundant love he gives you the riches of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge. Yes, the fear of the Lord is the key to this treasure!”
Isaiah 33:6 TPT
September 30th, 2024
📍Location: Salida, Colorado, USA
Greetings from the wilderness!
As I turn the final page on this season of my life here in Colorado, I can't help but reflect back. Being here in Salida over the summer, nestled deeply in the forest on *ancestral land (representing five generations of my family), I have rediscovered Jehova Shammah's (The Lord is There) voice, awakened to creation, and grounded deeply into my familial roots.
My time of rest in the forest has been the penultimate in a long season of my learning the role of trust and surrender in flourishing.
After jumping out of a plane last August, Yahweh (Lord) used my skydiving experience to envision what my life would look like if I learned how to trust and surrender to Them (I am using They/Them in reference to the triune nature of God).
What I didn't realize at the time was that Jehovah-Raah (The Lord is My Shepherd) had moved me into a grueling year-long season of grief—letting go of loved ones, my comfort zones, my home, my way of life, my simmering anger, and the desire to control my circumstances and outcomes. Qanna (Jealous) helped me to realize how much I was letting fear rule over my life instead of Jesus and that I was holding on too tightly to things of this world.
Like the Holy Spirit told me when I jumped out of the plane last year, this next page is all about trusting Elohim (God) and fully surrendering my life—who I believe God to be and what I believe about myself and others will be reflected in how I live my life.
Jehova Mekoddishkem (The Lord Who Sanctifies You) has been using the earthquakes in my life to prepare me for this very moment. And I'm not just talking about my move to Mexico.
Ten days ago, I took my mother to the doctor for what we thought was a UTI, but it is probably cancer and requires her to have hysterectomy surgery (happening tomorrow at 12:30pm MDT).
A few things come to mind when I think about the timing of all this:
I am so grateful that I was the one who was with her when the "C" word was first presented to us. In Jehova Rapha's (The Lord That Heals) mercy, I was able to hold space for all of the emotions this brought up for her and my own fears. I was so glad for my trauma-informed background and somatic training that enabled me to support her out of my strengths. Together in the hospital room awaiting more tests, we meditated and listened to some of my worship playlists, sitting with the weight of our new reality.
I don't think it is any coincidence that I was the one present with my mother while learning that she would have to have major surgery as soon as possible. Having just gone through a hysterectomy myself back in May, my mom was the one present with me during the initial phase of post-op recovery. I know what a comfort it was to have her by my side, and I consider myself very lucky that I get to be with her during her initial recovery. As I told her, having just done this, what a gift it is that we both know what to expect of recovery from this surgery.
My hope was that I would be able to be with her in the hospital and that I would get to see her wake up from surgery before handing her off to the care of her medical team and the rest of my family. Praise Adonai (Master) for answered prayers that this surgery is happening before my flight out on Sunday (with my mother's blessing).
I'm not ready to lose my mother's influence on my life. I'm scared. And just like dangling out the open door of that airplane, hands gripped to the sides, I can clearly hear God's voice tell me to trust that Jehovah Nissi (The Lord is My Banner) is in control of the situation—to surrender my fears to El Roi (The Lord Who Sees Me) and let go of worry for the outcome of her’s and my futures. God’s got this!
This week, surrender looks like leaving for Mexico anyway, knowing that Jehova Rapha (The Lord That Heals) is caring for my mother. And to continue to rest in Jesus and receive the gift of Peace from Jehova Shalom (The Lord is Peace).
God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, in the highs and the lows. As Brandon Lake sings in Graves Into Gardens, "the God of the mountain Is the God of the valley."
What valley do you find yourself in? And how is God asking you to surrender control in the midst of your circumstances, big and small?
In Peace,
Jennifer
PS- *While my family has inhabited this land for many years and multiple generations, I respectfully acknowledge the unceded and ancestral territories of the Ute and Cheyenne Nations and the traditional keepers of their land that I am now calling home. I want to say thank you for allowing me to live, work, and play on your lands.
PSS- Did you miss a part of the journey? Check out the 🌎 Notes from the Wilderness blog posts in the Loto Journal to catch up.
Skydiving in Florence, Colorado 2023
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